In today’s society if you are not living in a blended family you certainly know someone who is living in a blended family. The blended family is probably the most complex group relationship that exists. The dynamics of a blended family are far reaching from past issues to the issues that will surface while building a future. It’s rare to find clean, healthy breaks in past relationships. For some couples, even though the divorce is final, the tension between the adults continues. In fact, it tends to intensify and become worse when a “new spouse” is introduced. While the new “couple” may really love each other, most will admit, they were not equipped to handle the challenges that come with a blended family.
Statistics say that 50% of most first time marriages end in divorce and 60% of second marriages end in divorce.
Information from the most recent Vital Statistics Report shows:
- Of American children under 18 years of age:
- 52.1% live with two parents
- 26.3% live with only their biological mother
- 5.4% live with only their biological father
- 3.0% live with other relatives
- 1.2% live with non-relatives
About 65% of remarriages involve children from the prior marriage and form blended families.
One of three Americans is now a stepparent, a stepchild, a stepsibling, or some other member of a blended family
(Source: www.winningstepfamilies.com)
Blended families are rarely as easy as they were portrayed on “The Brady Bunch”. Now that you know the statistics, you understand the importance of being equipped to handle the issues that come with having a blended family.
Below I have shared with you wisdom nuggets to help you with your journey with your blended family.
- Keep the marriage strong
First things first. Do what is needed to keep the marriage strong. Remember each other in the midst of busy schedules. Take care that you are not so focused on activities for the children that you fail to spend time with each other. When challenges come, and you can expect challenges with a blended family, know that you can overcome the challenges when you remain united and consider each other first. It’s the same concept when you are on a plane, the oxygen mask should go on the parent first, then the child. Without a strong marriage, there is no hope for the family. Protect your marriage. Find healthy ways to agree to disagree. Do not go to bed angry. Unresolved anger has a way of picking up steam overnight. Be considerate of each other’s faults. Remember your vows
- Pray together with tender hearts
There are many things that will take place in a blended family that can keep frustrations high, which eventually can begin to harden hearts and tear down the family unit if you are not on guard. Therefore, it is vital that you come together with tender hearts to pray. Having a tender heart is an intentional stance you take regardless of what has taken place or is expected to take place in the near future. A tender heart maintains a posture of “understanding” and “forgiveness”, even when you are right. It is a tall and difficult task sometimes, but your reality is that God cannot answer the prayers of a heart filled with darkness.
- Ask for wisdom
Ask God for wisdom in relating to everyone in the blended family and anyone that has influence over members of the blended family. In Proverbs 2:1-5 God’s promised Word, is,“ My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.”
For the sake of your spouse and children you have to follow God’s prescribed ways to get the wisdom you need to make the right decisions and to say the right things. If you lean into your own understanding you run the risk of missing God. In Proverbs 1:5 God says, “Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.” The answer that you need to any situation is in the Word of God. Seek His guidance.
- Seek the help of Christian counselors
If your family seems to be spinning out of control, seek the help of a biblically based professional counselor. The Christian counselors’ network has increased with professionals who are trained to help blended families. At times, a third party is needed to help everyone see things differently and to help resolve family issues. Remain open to seeking outside counsel.
- Your children ARE members of two households
A common mistake parents make is in not accepting that children are members of two households. Therefore, it’s emotionally damaging to the children to expect or even require them to favor your household over another. Each household may carry different rules and values. Most of the time the rules of one household are upsetting to the other household. If the parent of the other household won’t receive your concerns, (as long as it’s not a life threatening safety issue) commit it to prayer. Saying negative things in front of the children may help you release, but the children ultimately carry the weight of the negative words spoken from one adult household to the other. It can literally emotionally hinder children well into their adult years. So, if you really can’t find anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
- Love your stepchildren anyhow
Nothing grieves a biological parent more than when his or her spouse stops trying to love their biological children. Loving stepchildren can be extremely difficult. Some stepchildren don’t want to accept the love of their stepparent. They feel that they will be betraying their biological parent. Some children feel that if they continue to resist the new family unit, their biological parents will get back together. Whatever their reason, remember that they are leap years behind the maturity of the adults. Continue to reach out to the stepchildren. You will eventually find a common relationship point and your spouse will always be appreciative of your efforts.
- Speak only faith concerning your marriage and family
God is no respecter of persons, only faith. Therefore, speak only faith concerning your marriage and family. Your words have power. Call those things that be not as if they were (Romans 4:17) and watch the hand of God manifest it. He will cause you always to triumph (II Corin. 2:14).
Yes, blended families are also the heart of God. Jesus grew up in a blended family. God wants us to have a healthy marriage and to raise godly children in a God centered home. If you are struggling in a blended family today I encourage you to put these tips into place. They are based on my personal experience and wisdom that God has given me for my journey with my blended family.
No matter how difficult your situation may seem now, I am a living witness that God answers the prayers of those who seek Him with a pure and obedient heart. If you respond God’s way, no weapon formed against your marriage or family shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17). When the enemy tries to come in like a flood, The Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him (Isaiah 59:19(b). You are God’s beloved and your desire for a loving family life is His desire as well.